Muddling through....

So, I posted last on March 7th. It's now May 18th. So much for diligently keeping up with my posts. Oh well, this is really for me and some of my close friends anyway and they love me the way I am, faults and all!

When we last left off, we had just gone to court for Lucas and his TPR. No appeal was brought forward by the parents, so we are clear to adopt him. We got the paperwork in the mail a couple of weeks ago and will begin gathering all the necessary papers this week - I'm going to make it a priority.

Mike and I approach our 12th anniversary next weekend. It's hard to believe that we've been married that long. Seems like just yesterday I was waiting at the door to my apartment for Ed to come escort me to my wedding ceremony. I remember looking at Mike and just knowing that I was doing the right thing and that we would be very happy together. I look back now and realize that it must have been more difficult for him to adjust than me. Infertility treatments became such a focus of my life that I forgot to live in the moment, rather than waiting for the what ifs. I feel like I wasted so much time and so much emotion on something that, in the long run didn't really matter after all. I could not love my boys more if I HAD given birth to them. They are part of my soul and fill the hole that I felt for so long.

The boys amaze me every day. I love looking at them and realizing that they are mine and are here to stay. Their eyes express their love for us and they are happy. People constantly tell me that the boys are blessed that we chose to have them in our lives, but really, WE are the lucky ones. They have given us blessings beyone anything we could ever have anticipated when we started this process. Even those days that are challenging, I can look back on and love.

We took Ethan to see Monters vs. Aliens in 3-D yesterday. It was his very first movie experience. He was excellent, although, he was not super interested in keeping his 3-D glasses on. I on the other hand, decided in a weak moment, to order nachos as a snack. When will I ever learn that I just can't eat that stuff anymore. I was fortunate that the theater was empty (it was an early show) and I could stretch out over a few seats and effectivly lay down. When I did, Ethan came over and asked to snuggle with me. So, for at least 15 minutes, I got to hold my angel in my arms and enjoy his first movie with him.

I always felt lucky to be Lauryn's mother. I never had any moments of remorse for being a young mother. I do however, remember wanting to be more stable and less concerned about what the future would hold. Now, I feel like I'm the perfect age to parent (even though I frequently get called "grandma" by strangers). I love my life and the way it has turned out. I love my job and my friends and finally feel like the family is unified in a way that we never have been before. Both brothers are married, Mom is engaged and we are all happy. What more could I wish for?

I am truly a blessed woman.

Progress at last

Yeah, so I'm a really bad blogger. I guess if I have any readers, you'll just have to DWI!

We got the best news this week - We went to court for Lucas and termination of parental rights was granted due to lack of parental adjustment and abandonment. Since Lucas has not seen his parents in his whole life (since giving birth at the hospital) I was happy that the process was not drawn out longer as the defense attorney for the parents basically asked if she "should" be assigned to the case even though she had not seen the bio parents for almost a year. The final result was that there was no attorney appointed for them for this case and we proceeded to do the TPR process. If they HAD appointed her as the attorney, then our case would have taken several more months.

Now we have to wait 30 days for the appeals time limit to expire and then we can petition for adoption. If all goes well, we should be done before the end of the year. Not that it matters now - no one can walk in and try to reunify at this point. The appeal is simply a waiting period. If the bio parents want to appeal, they have to hire their own attorney and file. We don't expect that will happen.

Well, have to run - going grocery shopping!

Really tired....

So, today is January 19. Tomorrow is not only Inauguration day, but my littlest brother's birthday. While I say he's the "littlest", in reality, he is over six feet tall - so really the biggest person in the family :).

Someone reminded me a few months ago that fear is not a fruit of the spirit. I wholeheartedly agree, but I have to admit that I'm scared for what our life will become in the next few months. The govenor is proposing a pay cut for teachers and rumors abound at my office of furlough days - one day per month. This would equate to a 11% pay cut between the two of us. While that is scary, the scarier part is that one or both of us may get laid off due to the continued recession. There is just no money and people are not traveling here. As a city that relies on tourism to survive, when there are no tourists, things get bad really fast.

Of course, add that to the problems I've had at work and I've been taking low dose valium to help myself get to sleep at night. My anxiety level is at an all time high and I can't seem to get control of it. Losing 11% of our pay is going to be hard, but we can scale back our expenses and make it through. A job loss, however, by one or both of us and we'd be facing some serious issues.

On the plus side, the baby's court issues continue to proceed without incidents. We wait only for 3/2 before the termination of parental rights can be acted on and then he is essentially hours (all but for the paperwork). We're hoping that the adoption can be completed soon and therefore allow us to move freely wherever we need to go - back to UT or ME if necessary. We won't consider leaving until the adoption is final as I won't leave my son behind no matter what.

Ethan is growing like a weed and speaks like a 40 year old. He's a joy and he makes us laugh every day.

Got to run for now

Almost forgot!!!!

OK, looking at my last post titled "already 1/10" I realized with a start that it is really 1/11. Anyhow - I guess I'm just a day behind!

I forgot to mention the very good news we got this week. We had questionable parentage on Lucas. Shortly after his birthday, we got the news that a man had come forward and stated that he might be the dad so he wanted a DNA test. We did the test in early December and found out this week that he is NOT the father. I can only think of the Maury Povich show in this instance as I can really picture him with the envelope yelling the final results to the clients on stage.

Basically, that this guy is not the father clears the path for us to adopt Lucas. If he had been the father, they would have had to give him a caseplan to work, wait for him to fail or succeed and the plan accordingly. With him out of the picture, it looks like the court hearing on 3/2 will free the baby up for us to begin adoption proceedings. His adoption should be complete by the end of the year.

So I guess there is still good news in the world that far outweighs the bad.

Already 1/10

Wow. The first 1o days of January are gone. So far, the year is going OK. There is some concern that I will have a pay cut and now, there is indication that DH may have one too, but the reality is that we still have jobs and that is a good thing. We can cut back on expenses for a while - it would probably be good for us to do so. I've been trying to spend less this month, with some luck. Planning meals seems to be the best thing for a savings plan for us. I guess I didn't realize how often in a month I was doing what we affectionately call "a drive by" into Del Taco or McDonalds. We realized that DS was often saying that he wanted to go to McDonalds so obviously, we were going too often. I've actually cooked most days this month and we're doing really well taking our lunch to work. Lunches alone will probably save over $200 per month as I have a tendancy to frequent the lunch counter just down the hall.

We should know in the next 60 days or so what is really going to happen. The economy is scary and I'm trying to remember that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it so there is little benefit in worrying about it. My fear is the same that everyone else is having I'm sure, but little is in anyone's control. I guess I just have to pray to let go.

We went back to church last week, but didn't make it this week. We were exhausted this week and DS was being completely difficult. So, we try again next week.

Happy New Year!!!!!!

So, 2009 is here. Many people are just happy to see 2008 go away. I have to wonder what will be in 2009. One article I read yesterday predicted a 2009 that will be worse than 2008. I hope it is just one person's opinion and not what is really to come. The possibility of losing my job or DH losing his is scary. We are hoping for the best and trying to prepare for the worst.

New Year's Resolutions....I guess I have New Year's Goals instead. Resolutions sounds so strange. I am going to try to stop snacking so much, especially after dinner; read some good books this year that will improve my knowledge (in other words, not fluffy books) base and to use my planner more so that I don't forget things.

Work in December was difficult. I'm glad to have the month behind me. Made a GIANT mistake and now have to re-gain some trust that I've lost. My own damn fault too, but I have to move on and learn from my mistakes.

Our new year's eve was the best I've ever had. Since we don't drink, we don't usually go to parties on the annual event. However, DH usually is out playing at some gig. Last night, he played until 9 p.m. when the venue had a mini-event with balloons dropping, sparkling cider and noisemakers. we had a blast dancing for hours (with the boys) and enjoying the band and the activities. We got home at 10 p.m. and missed most of the crazy drivers on the road. I was asleep by 11:30 and since we were out so late, the boys slept until 7:30! DD also had a friend go with her and she enjoyed herself too.

So, here's to 2009, a new business venture and a great 2009.

Love to all.

L.

Neurosis and Tomato Soup...

Since my Gastric Bypass surgery 18 months ago I've been neurotic about what I eat. Granted, on some occasions I eat whatever I want and do just fine. I always have been watching my sugar intake and I carefully check labels for grams of sugar and nutrition information. I've been told I'm over the top about it, but when I don't check - I inevitably run into problems.

In an effort to scale back how much I cook and the cost of food, we've decided that simple dinners will work. So last night, I made one of my favorites - cream of tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.

It was so yummy going in - I could taste it before I put it in my mouth - good comfort food that was creamy and delicious. I got in about 1/2 my soup and part of my sandwich before it hit me. I started losing visual focus and my head started to swim. Then the heart beat started going faster and I started to get cold and clammy. Thinking I was having a hypoglycemic attack (fairly frequent this week), I took a glucose tablet. When I started to feel even worse, I retrieved the empty can from the trash and checked the sugar content. Twelve grams. That is double what I usually allow myself for any serving of any food. Problem solved - sort of. Now I just had to live through the feeling yucky part of the whole process. I ended up in bed at 7:30 p.m. and I never got up until this a.m.

The last time this happened was in Salt Lake City when I ate 1/3 of a blueberry bagel. I'm not sure how much sugar was in that thing, but it made me feel really bad!

Now. I may complain about this occasionally. If I'm careful, this usually doesn't happen. It's when I think I'm safe, that I run into problems. I chose to have Gastric Bypass surgery over the lap band surgery so that I would have this effect if I ate something I wasn't supposed to - so I guess I got my wish. Think - revers Pavlov's Dog theory. 132 pounds later, I don't regret my decision at all - I can live with a few times feeling crappy to live with my weight loss results. This is the hard part about surgery - but I'd rather learn to eat right (even if I mess it up occasionally) and learn to live with my new body.

Lessons are learned every day.